Hello, gentlemen.
Let us begin with a statement of the obvious:
Winning a girl’s heart can be a difficult thing.
If you have taste, the girl you’re currently in love with is probably much more attractive, talented, and well-adjusted than you are.
If you have any realistic perspective on the mathematics surrounding your chances to win her over, you probably cry at awkward times, possibly in public places.
If, in some diabolical wrench of Fate, you have already professed your love and been soundly rejected, you have most likely taken to playing “Love Actually” on continuous loop in your apartment, which—let’s be honest—sports empty bottles as its primary decorating theme, accentuated by dog-eared Kerouac paperbacks, the sight of which often results in you screaming “THE ONLY ONES FOR ME ARE THE MAD ONES!” at your neighbor’s cat, because you have forgotten what exactly On The Road was about, a sad fact that provoked the self-consciousness which might well have occasioned the rejection you’re currently suffering from.
But weep no more, self-perpetuating members of the Lonely Hearts Club. Your cries have been heard, and your prayers answered. Behold:
10 Surefire Techniques for Winning A Girl’s Heart
Note: Relevant disclaimers have been included after each technique, for your convenience and our legal indemnity.
10. The “Mr. Darcy”
Find a field.
Bring your love to that field early one morning. Make her wait on a marble bench that just happens to be positioned in the middle of said field.
Run into the woods, and take off your shirt.
Toss the shirt aside all casual-like, run your fingers through your hair and stare sultrily at the nearest tree. Your love can’t see you, but doing this should increase your self-confidence.
As the dawn breaks, stride towards her in slow motion, letting the morning dew run in little rivulets down your chiseled abs.
Sweep her into your arms.
Live happily ever after.
Disclaimer: This actually has nothing to do with Mr. Darcy. However, thanks to the film industry, most women don’t know that.
9. The “Josh Harris”
Read a book by Josh Harris called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.”
Do the exact and literal opposite everything this book advocates.
Disclaimer: If your love was homeschooled, she will catch on to this technique immediately. However, she may also find it a huge turn-on.
8. The “National”
Pick a balmy, sun-kissed evening, and find a moderately busy thoroughfare with a good deal of foot traffic.
Stroll leisurely along, making witty small talk with much wit to show how witty you are.
Stop suddenly, grab her hand, and stare deeply into her eyes.
Whisper “I love you”.
Pause suspense-fully.
Take a breath.
Bellow the following phrase: “IT’S A TERRIBLE LOVE AND I’M WALKING WITH SPIDERS. With your own bare hands, I swear![/caption]
7. The “Notebook”
Build your love a house with your bare hands.
Make sure to take a lot of pictures of yourself building said house with said bare hands.
Pick a tasteful filter and post those pictures to Instagram with tag-lines like:
- #loveknowsnobounds
- #iwoulddoanythingforlove
- #Ryanwho?
- #mysweatismixingwithmytearsbutIdontcarebecauseIaminloveandIambuildingahouseandalsoIamamanwhichmeansIambiologicallyincapableoffeelingpain
- #nofilter
Talk incessantly about how you are building a house with your bare hands because you are in love. If she tries to change the subject, change it back.
Sell the house for a massive profit (depending on your local housing market), pocket the cash and buy yourself a 70,000-inch TV for your man-cave.
When she complains, stare at her with utter horror etched clearly in your face (You may need to practice this in front of a mirror).
In a trembling voice, accuse her of being a Nicolas Sparks fan.
Run away.
Disclaimer: You are a horrible person, but you may have proved some sort of point.
6. The “Challenger”
Invent an alter ego. Call him Leopold.
Leopold is everything you’re not. He’s smooth. He’s suave. He owns a badger. He’s every inch a public intellectual, just like James Franco isn’t.
As Leopold, try to win your love’s heart. Be obvious about it. Hit on her right in front of yourself.
Get incredibly jealous of yourself and challenge yourself to a duel.
See who wins.
Disclaimer: There are certain scientific and legal barriers to successful completion of this technique.
5. The “Pick-Up Line”
Invite your love over to your place.
Put on some jazz. Probably not Coltrane, as that’s a little cliché and “A Love Supreme” is much darker than everyone seems to think. Sonny Rollins is a safe bet, if you don’t punctuate every other note with anecdotes about how it reminds you of that one time you went to New York. Miles Davis is a better choice, but pass up “Kind of Blue” in favor of a lesser-known LP like “Miles Smiles”. Under no circumstances should you play her any Charlie Mingus.
Dim the lights, and pour a few glasses of the finest wine you can afford. If this is a five-dollar bottle from 7-Eleven (only applicable outside of Canada), you have probably taken a few wrong turns in life and should maybe never talk to a girl again.
Dance her slowly around your living room. You will not be very good at this, but if the part involving wine has been correctly performed, it won’t matter.
While you’re dancing, have a conversation. Ask her about herself, about her life, her hopes, dreams, fears, passions, pursuits, etc… Pepper your conversation with spontaneous witticisms that you have spent the last week struggling painfully to write down and memorize. Tell her how beautiful she looks. Tell her again.
Wait for a slow moment in the record. Look deeply into her eyes, then widen yours in apparent confusion.
Whisper “Are you lost?”
Wait one poignant heartbeat.
“…Because it’s strange to see an angel so far from heaven.”
Disclaimer: You may get slapped.
4. The “Handsome”
Be handsome.
Disclaimer: This is harder than it looks.
3. The “Prince Charming”
There are two routes for this particular strategy. The first is to be an actual prince, in which case you are at least halfway there and have a decent shot at winning over not only your love, but also the world’s paparazzi, with a taxpayer-funded holiday in St. Lucia.
The second is to perpetually put your love in harm’s way in order to save her at the last possible second. This works best if you have a suit of armor, a white stallion, and access to some sort of fire-breathing creature with a penchant for kidnapping young maidens. Stick close to this creature’s lair until he gets around to stealing your love, then grab the nearest lance and rush headlong into battle.
Disclaimer: Results may vary.
Failing this, you could try the Bertie Wooster tact of surreptitiously pushing your love off the nearest bridge and leaping heroically after her.
Again, results may vary depending on the height of the bridge and whether or not your tale of a sudden wind gust is sufficiently believable.
Alternatively, you could start a fight with every member of the male species who so much as glances in her direction.
Disclaimer: Results will probably not vary.
2. The “Tweet”
Since brevity often carries the scent of simplicity and sincerity, write your feelings to her in no more than 140 characters. Make sure to s
1. The “Bird”
Take your love to a bar.
Order her a beer.
Wait until she raises the glass to her lips, then snatch it from her and pour the beer slowly unto the countertop, while staring unblinkingly into her eyes.
Set the glass down on the counter.
Pull a brightly-colored cockatiel out of your pocket.
Hurl the brightly-colored cockatiel out the open window while screaming something about setting it free so it can come back to you.
Walk out of the bar slowly.
Offer no explanation.
Disclaimer: This may not work.
Bonus The “Perfect Gentleman”
Treat your love with compassion, gentleness and all the understanding your twenty-two-year-old male brain can muster. Respect her, cherish her, listen to her, care for her. Laugh with her and cry with her. Love her fiercely, passionately, sacrificially.
Disclaimer: This may result in highly elevated expectations that proportionately intensify the heartbreak of watching her fall for someone else.
…I can neither confirm nor deny personal experience of this.
[weeps softly]
[throws phone through window]
[makes grilled cheese sandwich]
[puts on “A Love Supreme” and opens a Kerouac paperback]
