“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity.”
—Ephesians 5:3
The tragic truth is that pornography is a big problem in most churches today. 51 per cent of pastors say Internet pornography is a temptation, and 64 per cent of Christian men and 15 per cent of Christian women say they watch porn at least once a month.
When I first heard these statistics, I felt let down by my church community. I was angry that I had been kept in the dark. I wasn’t ready to deal with the reality that so many of my male Christian friends were keeping this secret. And when I heard firsthand from women who felt forced to hide their own similar struggles with porn and lust, I knew that there was something deeply wrong with how many churches were dealing with sexual sin. And I don’t think I’m alone.
I was exposed to the reality of pornography before I became a Christian. In my experience, I knew that pornography was something guys looked at. It may seem naïve, but I didn’t think Christian men would be watching it. Once I learned more about this issue, I was confronted with the fact that the church, the place I thought of as a refuge, turned out not to be so safe for me. And I know many other women who have this same experience; they’ve lived in the dark about the ubiquitousness of pornography within their church, only to end up painfully confronting it later within a relationship.
How did we, as individuals, and our collective body, the church, get to this fractured place? It starts with leadership. Some pastors are reluctant to address these issues because they are afraid of uncovering their own addiction to porn. Others feel unequipped and overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of sexual sin in our culture and the lives of people; they resign themselves to the fact that this is just how things are.
From my experience, when addressing pornography and lust, most often pastors will quote the Bible to explain what girls and women need to do to keep boys and men from “stumbling” (which by the way has become my least favourite word). Modesty teachings are prioritized and men’s wandering eyes are written off as part of their nature. This is a single-sided approach to dealing with sexual sin in our church, one that shames and blames women for what men are thinking. Although it may not be intentional, this type of teaching makes women feel like something is inherently wrong with their bodies.
Instead of teaching girls, women, boys, and men to respect and honour the female body, it has been turned into a taboo. Whether it’s pop culture or church culture, women are told how they should (and should not) dress in order to get men to look (or not to look). To be honest, it’s a very confusing time to be a Christian woman.
Rather than focusing blame on women and what they wear, the church needs to shift responsibility and address the sexualized images and ideals that both men and women consume. Women are not inherently enticing prey, and men are not uncontrollable predators. Instead of reinforcing sexual stereotypes, Christians need to start dismantling them.
Often, if a church is taking steps to talk to men about their struggles with pornography and lust, it is often done in secret. Although confidentiality is extremely important, some secrecies can reinforce shame and intensify the paradigm of tempted man versus temptress woman.
Secrecy can also obscure the fact that women are also dealing with issues of pornography and lust. Women are marginalized most—because at least the “boys will be boys” attitude acknowledges men’s struggles, making it doubly shameful when a woman is dealing with pornography. A common narrative is that women are asexual compared to men; women who do have sex drives are the exception. Women are supposed to be the temptress, never the tempted. But sexual sin is not reserved for one sex. The church needs to help women in this area, too.
We need to move forward as a community to tackle these issues. In one way or another, pornography and hyper-sexualization are problems for all of us, and we need to address and fight them openly and in unity. By this, I don’t mean we need to share all the dirty details of our battles with sexual sin in front of the entire church. But I am saying that it is important to name it. To say the words, “I struggle with this.” Simply stating the problem, bringing it out into the light, breaks the power of it. It’s time to uncover the lies, let the light shine in, and begin to heal.
Let’s openly challenge the lie that Christians aren’t really struggling with porn and that women aren’t implicated in this. Let’s confront the lie that boys will be boys.
The Church and its leaders have the responsibility to reframe the discussion, and to create dialogue among both genders, across all ages, without discrimination. If we are committed to living differently than our culture tells us to, we need to teach each other how. This dialogue includes radical accountability and honest community through which we can better understand each other as men and women, all children of God.
There are numerous para-church organizations to help educate, support, and start this move toward healing within the church. Let’s fight this together, diving into the messiness and facing it head on. Pornography is not too big to conquer.
This is the forth in a four-part series on pornography.
Part One : The History of Porn
Part Two: This is Your Brain on Porn
Part Three: Pornified Relationships
Photo by (flickr CC): Alison Killilea
