[The wilderness] a place where God sent people who would one day lead others; He sent them there to listen, to learn, to grow closer to Him, and to develop the character they would need to sustain their calling
–Heather Zempel, Amazed and Confused
What do you do when you are forced into the wilderness? Into a place that is confusing, sudden, and drastically different from the more or less comfortable faith you once knew? What do you do when your entire world changes and the tragic things that only happen to other people, happen to you?
This is where I found myself on August 4, 2013. I had just had a fabulous girls weekend with my two baby sisters before the youngest, Julia, went off to her junior year at GCSU. That Sunday, I was presented to my church as the most recent staff member. When I got back to my seat, I had several texts that Julia, the pride and joy of my family, had been in an accident.
I remember leaping up from my seat in the middle of church and running to my car saying, “no matter what, Jesus, You are good. You are good. God, You are good.” Six days later, Julia would go on to be with Jesus.
So, what do you do when you are forced into the wilderness? Into a place where your faith has been shaken, and one of your deepest fears has actually become a reality?
I don’t really have an answer. But, I would say that my sister’s death forced me into the wilderness, a place of suffering that all I could do was sit in. I couldn’t wash away my reality. I woke up from the nightmare and it was still true.
It felt like I was drowning and couldn’t come up for air. I found myself in a place where I would have to face head-on my previous ideas of God and the way He worked; a place where I would be forced to sit in the weight of my immeasurable sadness and figure out how to navigate through it. All while having a new job in ministry of all things.
Here’s what I’ve learned along the way.
God is God and we are not. He is good no matter what we think or feel. I trust Him because, well, quite simply, to whom else shall I go? Because God is God and because I know that to be true, because I know Him to be Creator, to be Savior, to be Jesus, where else are we going to go?
If I’m going to sit in a pit of sadness, I may as well invite the Sovereign One into the pit with me and ask Him to hold me through it all.
I’ll be honest, I first needed to get to know God as my Abba Father and know that no matter what happens in this broken, fallen life, that He is my God and He is FOR me. I can’t say that I am overwhelmed by that truth on a daily basis, but I know it because I trust Him. When His word says He works all things together for our good (Romans 8:28), I believe it. I also know the Bible to be a book where not everything ends well until we get to heaven.
So we hold onto hope. There’s always hope because there is Jesus.
I also find great encouragement in the idea that, one day, God might choose me to lead others. He has sent me into this wilderness to listen, to learn, to grow closer to Him, and to develop the character I need to sustain my calling. There’s always a purpose — God’s word does not go out from His lips and return void. The word He speaks and sends forth will ALWAYS accomplish His purpose (Isaiah 55:11).
His word was to take my baby sister home to be with Him. But it’s not over. I believe He has put a word in all of us who were left in the wake of Julia’s death and His word will not return to Him void, but will accomplish the purpose for which He sent it. So, perhaps in this wilderness season, I can lend ear to what His purpose might be for me.
In Isaiah 55, God also tells us that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are Higher than our thoughts. Go figure.
I don’t have it all figured out and I don’t think I ever will, but what I do know is that the steadfast love of the Lord never fails.
He is for us, He is good, and He is near.
There is a purpose to our pain. Even when we can’t feel that or we don’t know it to be true, we can trust it. Sometimes it feels like we have to try with everything in us to trust our Heavenly Father in the midst of loss and trials, but we can. My favorite line from the ever-popular Hillsong song, Oceans, says, “You’ve never failed and You won’t start now.”
Just because it feels like He failed me, doesn’t mean He actually did.
The thing is, God is big enough for us to be angry, or confused, or hurt. Because no matter what we are faced with, He is perfect and all powerful. And we can trust that when Jesus said he came that we might have life, and life abundant, that He meant it.
photo by micagoto
