Sometimes, I feel like God has favourites. And I’m definitely not one of them.
From the outside, my life seems picture-perfect; yes, there may be some microscopic flaws here and there, but on the whole, it looks like I have it all together.
But the reality is, I spend countless nights huddled up in a bed full of self-doubt. I stare into the darkness, believing that I’m not worth the plans God has for me. Because I’m overreacting to what’s happening — or not happening — right now.
Comparison is an ugly thing, and social media has got me distracted by it. Every day I scroll my life away; I see people whose lives are lived with such grace and dignity.
I am consumed.
Sometimes, I feel like God has favourites. And I’m definitely not one of them.
Last year, everything seemed to be on track. I was in a relationship, I had just interviewed for a dream internship that I had wanted for years, and I was busying myself with being the social organizer for my school. Not to mention I had some of the greatest friends in the history of the planet.
But then real life happened.
I didn’t get the dream internship. Instead, I ended up getting a job in a town that I had never even heard of, eight hours away from my home. I moved to the town and was living with a family I had never met before. The day before I started the internship, I got a text from my boyfriend, telling me we needed to talk. That night, he broke up with me.
So here I was, in a new town, living with strangers, at a job I had never even wanted in the first place, heartbroken. I felt thoroughly alone.
Sometimes, I feel like God has favourites. And I’m definitely not one of them.
My shambles never ended up on Instagram or Facebook, but my beach views did. Because it seemed like my life was falling apart, I felt as if God telling me I was “too far” off course, that I was out of His will for my life. After screaming at God, “I don’t even want your plans for my life!” I simply gave up. I tucked myself into a corner. It was only then when I realized He was telling me to come home.
He was telling me that I needed to come back Him, that I needed to trust Him.
Ultimately, it didn’t matter how many likes I was getting over social media, how many compliments I heard, or how “impressive” I was. That summer, I realized that God needed to pull me out of my false reality of the idea of a perfect life, and remind me that His ways are perfect, even if His plans for our lives are messy and full of struggle. And it’s not about the need to portray the perfect life, but to live the life God has provided for us. And that might look a lot less than perfect.
I’m thankful I don’t have to be flawless. I’m thankful that in the midst of the stifling feelings of abandonment and self-doubt, I know I am loved by God. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. And there’s no place where He isn’t. He is with me. Always.
Sometimes, I still feel like God has favourites.
And there still are days I when I think I’m definitely not one of them, especially when I see others succeeding in the midst of my failures. This tension — between comparing myself with others, yet knowing I’m loved by God — is constant. But I will choose the latter of the two. I will close my laptop, take a walk, and remember: “I am loved. I am chosen. I am a favourite.”
Photo (Flickr CC) by Bert Kaufmann.
