I am 27 years old and I don’t want to be a Mommy

I am 27 years old and I don’t want to be a mommy. When I tell people this, it usually sounds like a confession. People look at me with knitted, confused brows. They tell me that I’ll change my mind sometime down the road, that everyone wants kids. To most people, especially in the evangelical world, it seems like any female who doesn’t want to have children is automatically branded as an unnatural being.

Now children are okay, but I am the first person to want to smack my head into the wall when they start acting up. It’s all fine and dandy when we are playing a game and the kiddos are all cute and giggly, but then once they start maniacally screaming at the top of their lungs over whose turn it is to ride the bike, I, then, want to go far, far away. And take that stupid bike with me. Sometimes kids make me not want to have kids.

But in 2014, my sister gave birth to a little boy. The very first grandchild/nephew. I was in the delivery room with her throughout her entire 27 hours of labour. Yes, you read that right, 27 hours! If I even had the slightest doubt about not having kids before, seeing that process really put the final nail in the coffin. And buried it. With cement. Though that time was strenuous and horrifying at the same time, the moment my nephew took his first breath was one of the best moments of my entire life.

He and I bonded the moment I first held him in my arms and he stared up into my face. And as I looked at him, as I continue to look at him, I have begun to realize the amount of impact I can actually have on his development. I can play a part in shaping his character. That’s scary, but also exciting.

To go along with shaping his future interests, I’m also going to put life lessons into the itinerary. I actually look forward to imparting wisdom to him. I get to put my philosophies into action and watch them unfold through the eyes of a child. It’s even fun seeing him discover things for himself because it makes me feel like I’m living my life in reverse every time I show him something new and see his wide-eyed expression. I anxiously await being able to teach him about life, to be able to guide him in his walk with Christ.

Now my heart has expanded. Before, I couldn’t understand the type of love a parent feels for their child because I had never experienced anything close to motherhood before. Being an aunt is somewhat like a secondary mother figure — I can’t take the place of mom, but I can be a friend and role model. The type of love I have for my nephew is an extension of love that I never knew existed, a feeling of unconditional affection and undying devotion.

This has shown me the different types of love God has for us. I can’t imagine how much He loves me seeing that I love my nephew this much, more than I ever thought I would be able to. Now, love was created by God, and He created it to be expansive. The Lord has a different type of love for every little piece of His creation. He loves each of us uniquely. What my nephew taught me is that God loves me with a passionate and unique love that I cannot even fathom. He loves me even more than I love my own nephew — which is hard for me to grasp seeing how much I love him.

My natural irritations still come out when I am around my nephew for too long, but it is slowly going away because of my growing love for him. Sure, I’ll never be anyone’s biological mom, but now, I can show people pictures of my nephew and when they ask, “Oh, is that your son?” I’ll smile and say, “Nope, that is my totally awesome nephew,” and I am just fine with that.

Photo by (flickr CC) Giuseppe Orrú